I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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