checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
