The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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