Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
