Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
