it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I've blown a few things in my day
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
