clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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