i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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