I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Couch. On fire.
Randomize