I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
