he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
