I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
