Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dignity is for republicans.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
