I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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