I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
