she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
