Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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