I just threw up on my dentist
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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