This is not my ceiling
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
