so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
