You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
