Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
