after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Randomize
