i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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