there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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