my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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