When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
