It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
