Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
