got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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