we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
