My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
