I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
