I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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