too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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