would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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