i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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