I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
