My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
