Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
MIDGETS
????
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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