She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
