She is in my trunk
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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