Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
