That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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