Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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