when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
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I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
where are you?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.