so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs