Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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