kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found a bag of teeth...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
