k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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