You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
