marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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