A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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