I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I want her autograph on my taint
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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