she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
