her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
