god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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