I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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